Feed Your Joy

A few years ago, my primary care provider said it seemed like I had “no particular interest in living.”  She was right. I had a very troubled childhood and along the way I developed a negative outlook on life. I just thought things would never go my way. I should expect to feel Sadness more often than Happiness. This was all there was and all there would ever be. Those thoughts became my prison and the idea of living another 60+ years bound by them was unbearable. 

Of course, there were moments in which I caught glimpses of how good life could be. Concerts that made my heart sing, a good laugh with a friend, a baby smiling back at me, watching my favorite boxer get the win, and cinnamon rolls that came out perfectly. Previous blog posts are a testament to that too. But I always returned to the gloom and Despair clouded my brain. 

In a bid to free myself from my prison, I started therapy at the top of 2023. I’ve been capitalizing feelings in this post because I do internal family systems therapy and recognize these feelings are parts of me that have a role to play. Admittedly, there were many moments in which I thought therapy wasn’t working. Although my therapist and I would try to understand how I developed these all-consuming feelings and I’d feel so much better, so much stronger, it did not take long for Sadness, Anxiety, and Depression to take over again. This was the cycle for two years. 

I imagine you’re wondering why I didn’t just quit. Because Hope wouldn’t let go of the possibility for healing. I’m so glad Hope persisted. At the start of this year, it finally clicked that the pain I’ve carried like shackles on my feet didn’t have to write the rest of my story. Things could be different. A bad moment didn’t have to equate to a bad day or a bad year or a bad life. I could just choose to tend more to Joy than Sorrow. 

I’m still wrangling with my parts. I still have days in which I cry about how difficult all of this is, but those moments are becoming less frequent. There is just so much to look forward to. So many cookies to bake. So many fights to watch. So many laughs to be had. There are more than 60 years ahead to see just how good life can get 🙂